jackassworld FUQs
Welcome to the jackassworld.com general questions and answers section. The following list of frequently uttered questions came from community members like you and Johnny Knoxville (all questions denoted by an asterisk were actually posed by our resident technical nitwit throughout construction of the site, which was basically designed around his computer illiteracy).
We hope you find them helpful and informative.
Suck it.
what is jackassworld.com?
Simply put, jackassworld.com is our new home on the Internet for you and your dumb little buddies to hang out, screw around, and keep in touch with all the stupid things happening in the world of jackass and beyond. The website features exclusive, all-new video programs and content, articles, short stories, interviews, farts, updates, live webcasts, nonsense, music, and total bullshit from the jackass cast and crew, as well as an extensive archive containing all the jackass and Wildboyz TV shows and specials, select promotional moments from jackass 2.5, an assortment of 24-hour takeover clips and highlights, and a shit-ton of previously unreleased and never-before-seen material. You're also able to interact with the cast and crew and other community members—possibly even in ways never before imagined possible provided this site doesn't go the way of the Space Shuttle Challenger.
what's the difference between a "limp," "soft," and "fully-erect" launch?
When we first launched jackassworld.com in December 2007, it was mostly thrown up as a marketing platform to promote the impending online release of jackass 2.5 and there wasn't much else to write home about. In genital terms it was a total flaccid cock, hence its "limp" designation. Post-jackass 2.5 we added some videos, a few articles, some holiday cards, a community section, a bunch more videos, a few photos, and a store, thus elevating the site to a mildly aroused "soft" status. We then beat the shit out of the site for a month or so to get it good, hard, and "fully-erect" for maximum launching pleasure on February 23rd for the jackassworld 24-hour takeover. We made one mistake, though, and that was changing the overall coloration of the site to white, as opposed to its inaugural black. Everyone knows a hard white cock pales in comparison to a hard black cock, so in October 2008 the site underwent a major facelift operation and returned to its roots with an enhanced user experience to boot.
what's a boot and why are you going on about it?
Please, no more questions from the Canadian peanut gallery. Thank you.who is going to win the stanley cup this year?
This is a question that Dave Carnie asks all the time, thus qualifying it, unfortunately, as "frequently asked," even though it also falls under the category of "Who Fucking Cares." His two hamsters, Tito and Cheeto, who he relied on two seasons ago to pick the winner of the Stanley Cup, are now dead and thus are of no help to us anymore. [To read the full article that Carnie wrote about Tito and Cheeto, click here.]
where's the blog?*
As termed, such a thing does not exist on this site in so far as one of its editors is concerned. It's a stupid word and all of you self-obsessed first world ninnies that go "blogging" on and on about the insipid details of your daily life should be ashamed of yourselves. That's right, ashamed. Go brand that in your fucking chrome. We briefly considered calling it a "boog," loosely derived from the word "booger," but that would have been way too confusing to explain to Knoxville. So around the office we simply decided to use the term "post" instead.
what's a post?*
Oh, for fuck's sake...we should've just called it a boog. It's bad enough we now have to have the fucking B-word on the site here.
is there stuff so that you can like click on it?*
Those would be the big screen-looking things. Some have red buttons with white arrows on them, others have this thing called an "age gate" that requires you to enter your birth date. Please remember to be entirely truthful, because God punishes sinners by making them spend an eternity in boiling rivers of shit and piss.
what is helvetica?
A clean and unassuming typeface designed by Max Miedinger in 1957. Although commonly held in disdain by modern day type whittlers, Helvetica is a no nonsense blue-collar veteran of the san serif family and one of the few if not only fonts to sport its very own documentary. The use of Helvetica on jackass can be traced back to its original use on a logo for the World Industries skateboard company in 1989. The font was then embraced by Big Brother, a subsidiary of World Industries, and boldly featured on the covers of its video series throughout the mid- to late-'90s in the very same all-lowercase style that Jeff Tremaine would one day repackage as the graphic aesthetic for jackass. (In the final years of Big Brother, the magazine released a Metallica-inspired "helvetica" T-shirt for its half-ass merchandise line.) Helvetica is the king of all fonts.
why should i join the jackassworld community?
If that's going to be your attitude, then why do anything in life? Go rent Joe Versus the Volcano before bothering us with this question again.
what is "flux" and why should i be a part of it? or: i'm having problems joining the jackassworld.com community, what do i do?
Flux is the platform that powers the jackassworld community. Vroooooom! You can read the Flux FAQ here: http://www.flux.com/-/memberfaq should you give a good goddamn. As for the rest of your question, how should we know? Most of us here working on the site can't even figure out this shit for ourselves.
how do i put jackassworld.com content into my social networking page (facebook, myspace, etc.)?
Tourette's syndrome is an unfortunate neurological disorder characterized by involuntary tics and vocalized outbursts of expletives, obscenities or, in the worst of cases, racial slurs. Here's a hypothetical example in written form:
At the bottom of every article, you'll see a link that says "permalink." Use this link whenever you want to link to an article in your blog—fucking idiot—or social networking page—pig fucking shit mouth. If you want to embed a video from a blog post—goddamn assface—click the red arrow just to the right of the "play" button in the video player. It's kind of difficult to see, so here's a screen shot:
A menu pops up that allows you to "get URL" or "embed." Choose "embed" and paste the code into your profile page or blog post—fuckface asshole cocksucker. If you're on a video page, you can just click the copy buttons that sit to the left of the player. Cunt cunt cunt cuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhnnnnnt.
how do i submit video, photos, or articles?
You don't. As stated pretty much everywhere you look on this site, JACKASSWORLD.COM DOES NOT ACCEPT SUBMISSIONS OF ANY KIND. If by chance you happened to miss our regularly recurring warning message, here it is once again: The clips we post feature stunts performed by professionals or under the supervision of professionals. MTV and the producers must insist that no one attempt any stunt or activity performed on the site. Furthermore, we do not accept, open, or review any submissions sent to jackassworld in any form or media. Any emails with links to video, photos, or descriptions of stunts will be deleted, and we will not visit the links. Emails with attachments will be deleted without being opened.
can i get johnny knoxville or bam margera's phone number?
No, but this one time, on the very last episode of the jackass TV show in 2001, we flashed Greg Wolf's cell phone number across the bottom of the screen while he was being shown running around the production offices in an ill-fitting metallic gold lamé bathing suit (one-piece). He had no idea we'd done this with his phone number until the episode aired and his cell started blowing up in EST (luckily, Dimitry had managed to swipe his phone earlier that day and only handed it back to Greg—ringing off the hook—just after his jaw dropped at the sight of his private number onscreen in PST). The next day at lunch, we convinced Wolf that Jeff Tremaine was to blame and that he should record a new outgoing message stating the "jackass hotline" had been changed to a new number—Tremaine's. Wolf complied and Jeff was completely taken by surprise when his phone started lighting up with random callers. He was quick to surmise what had happened, though, and immediately changed his outgoing message to forward callers to Dimitry's cell number, whom he suspected to be the turncoat in the operation. Unfortunately for Jeff, Dimitry proved to be far more technologically superior and he promptly programmed his phone to automatically forward calls directly back to Tremaine's number. After that, a cell phone truce was called and we haven't given out anyone's number since. But if you have a question for Knoxville or any of the other jackass cast members, the best way to contact them is through the jackassworld guestbooks and forums.
why does it burn when i pee?
Chances are you stuck your penis in a dirty vagina (or asshole, to be fair), but that's your problem, not ours.
i watched jackass 2.5 on jackassworld.com, now i want to watch jackass the movie and jackass number two. what do i do?
Just the other night I watched a string of shows from the second season of Beverly Hills 90210 on DVD. It's great to watch the shows in rapid succession, because you can literally track the progression of Shannon Doherty's left eye as it migrates northwards up her face. When she dies it would be awesome if she donated her body to science or a historical museum devoted to preserving pop culture oddities, because I'd genuinely like to see if there really was some kind of continental drift going on with her skull, where the eye sockets took off from their shared longitude through a rare form of cranial plate tectonics. As for this question, I can't believe anyone would actually be this stupid and it obviously came from somewhere under the marketing rainbow at MTV. That said, the best way to watch the first two jackass movies is to buy them on DVD from our store or download them for a smaller chunk of change from iTunes. In the future, we hope to have more clips from both jackass movies on the site, but first we have to fist-fuck our way through all the legal claptrap attached to these flicks.
why can't i access video from my country?
Due to legal restrictions certain video content in jackassworld.com can only be viewed in certain regions of the world. Currently, jackass 2.5 is only viewable in the United States. If this continues to be a problem for you then perhaps you should consider relocating to the United States. U.S.A. #1!
i'm having problems with an order i placed in the jackassworld.com shop, what do i do?
This is funny because, yes, while we are a fairly incompetent crew that can be depended upon for nothing less than creating all sorts of problems, this is the one thing we have absolutely nothing at all to do with. Please take up any store issues you may have with the people who run it. Crying to us about it will do absolutely no good.
i'm trying to do something in the site and it's not working. what do I do?
If you have a technical problem or feedback on the website, please email us at admin@jackassworld.com. To aid in separating the wheat from the chaff, please write a clear subject line for your email so we can readily understand what the fuck you're griping about. Please note that any emails with attachments will be deleted (yes, even if it's good porn). Don't expect the courtesy of a reply, but hey, thanks for all your help in making jackassworld a better place to span time on the Internet.
did you and the bones brigade ever, you know, gay off?
Funny you should ask, but no.
what do i do if jackassworld is fucking up my computer?
Our website is awesome, it’s your computer that sucks. If you’re using the site and shit’s all fucked up and stuff, it’s your fault, not ours. Take it up with one of those douche bags at the “genius bar” where you bought that hunk of shit. What, you say t’s not your fault? Well, as I said, it’s not our fault either. So blame it on Malware. Malware—the offspring the Greek gods Malicious and Software—is software that was installed on your computer with malicious intentions. Stuff like viruses, key loggers, malicious active content, DAR (Dye A Ree-uh), rogue programs (PIRATES!) and dialers. Yes, Malware wants to fuck you in the ass and ruin your experience at our beautiful and totally perfect website. What a jerk, huh?
Here are some things we suggest you try that may help make your experience with us a more pleasant one:
1. Update your goddamn computer. It’s 2008. Open your tools menu in your web browser and hit “update.”
2. KILL MALWARE! KILL KILL KILL! Install a SpyWare Removal Tool such as Spybot Search and Destroy [http://www.safer-networking.org/en/index.html] or AdAware [http://www.lavasoftusa.com/].
3. Ah chicken soup. Install antivirus software, such as Norton anti-virus [http://www.symantec.com/norton/products/index.jsp] or McAfee Virus-shield [http://us.mcafee.com/].
4. Install Microsoft Defender (for Windows computers) [http://www.microsoft.com/athome/security/spyware/software/default.mspx].
5. Shutup.
If none of these things work, call your mom. Or take it down to the genius bar and let someone who knows what they’re doing fix your shit. Or just desist from using a computer because it’s obviously too complicated a device for the likes of you.
i've got a question you haven't answered, what do i do?
Oh shit...well, this really isn't that surprising. According to at least one smart cripple, the universe is a vast and ever expanding place, so new questions are and should be expected to pop up from time to time. Feel free to root around the site and look for a forum to post up your question, but don't be surprised if and when some other random idiot belittles you for being an idiot in your own right. So instead you may wish to go the crystal-slinging new age route and meditate at your local ashram for further enlightenment.
go fuck yourself!
Fuck me? Fuck you! Fucking idiot...you're the one asking all the stupid goddamn questions.
why do you persist in hurting my feelings so?
