jackassworld

http://tearsofman.blogspot.com/

Wanna see Chris Pontius in his first band? Yes, our friend Chris Reed has posted some legendary footage of one of the rare Pole Smoker concerts. Reed is in mask and on guitar and Pontius is on vocals. You wish you saw a Pole Smoker concert.

I am a massive Guns N’ Roses fan. Seriously, its almost becoming a problem. I listen to Appetite For Destruction almost every day. It never gets old. I even went as Slash for Halloween, but I got super wasted and lost my top hat. Slash would have been so bummed on me. (Sorry, Slash.) So, when I read Slash’s book, I came across Marc Canter’s book Reckless Road. It’s the best documentation of a band’s early days I have ever seen. Marc grew up with Slash and documented all of his bands until Guns N’ Roses and shot of all their Club Shows in Hollywood and the Sunset Strip in the ’80s. It’s basically the closest you’ll ever get to seeing one of those shows if you weren’t there. There’s even an online part of the book, which you can access once you purchase it, where you can hear audio from the shows and some interviews, too. Not to mention prints of some of the best pictures. (more…)

http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts/generic/ac0b/

This shirt rocks! Literally! (Note that that was a proper use of the word “literally.” Also notice how it was employed for the purpose of humor. Do not ever use that word with a serious tone of voice. Please. Thank you.) (The last parenthetical element was included in this “link of the day” because the word “literally” is a pet peeve of mine and I can’t stand it when people use it. Even when it’s used correctly, it is almost always unnecessary. I’m sorry for any inconvenience these parenthetical hissy fits may have caused you. Again, thank you.)

Earl Parker is the legendary former editor and head writer on Big Brother magazine. In his earliest and most desperate days on the job in 1992, Jeff Tremaine was not only his boss but his sole benefactor. Every morning, Jeff would walk into the one room magazine office that doubled as Earl’s bedroom and toss him a package of pink Hostess snowballs and a bottle of Cherry Bomb blue drink for breakfast. It is still debated to this day whether or not this forced diet had an adverse affect upon Earl. (more…)

This Wednesday, September 17th, Sign Of The Fox will be performing a live set at The 3 Clubs in Hollywood, CA. The band will be going on at 10:15pm, but cocktail hour is from 9:00-10:00pm if you want to come earlier to possibly shoot the shit and drink the swill with Handsome Jack, Burdie, and the boys. The 3 Clubs is located at 1123 Vine St., just around the corner from Wild Card Boxing Club, where Johnny Knoxville once got his hobbled ass handed to him on a plate by Nigel “The UK Hammer” Hudson.

Since we have music issues with past and future Big Brother videos (licensing, $$$, etc.), we decided, “Hey, why don’t we make our own crappy music?” We’re no C & C Music Factory, but, you know, there’s a few of us here that know our way around a guitar.

So I was charged with the duty of writing the lyrics to the first skate rock song. I got to it immediately. With fervor. There’s nothing like skate rock. Take this line from The Faction’s “Skate and Destroy,”

The cops are coming after me, their sons are BMXers
They always try to stop me but urethane is faster than boots

Genius! I penned a few and ran them by the master himself, Chris Pontius. Chris replied simply with the entire lyrics to Token Entry’s “Jaybird.” Never heard of them before, but it’s obvious they, too, are masters of skate rock. And it’s not hard to see their influence in Chris’ life:

Drop in layback air or catch a grind
backside air, axle stall, whatever comes to mind
got enough speed to reach the sun
annoying all the neighbors, but it’s all just for fun
if you bail, knee slide out, it won’t hurt at all
just come sliding right up the other wall
grab your board try again, it’s not just a game
ollie to tail, totally insane
all that I wanna do is skate.

Ollies to tail are, indeed, “totally insane.”

Shortly after this, Chris arrived in town and assumed the responsibility of the skate rock lyricist. I don’t know why we didn’t put him in charge in the first place. He’s been writing nonsense to music longer than any of us. And indeed, in one evening, “Slash Grind City” was born.

But as I said, we need music, plural: musics. So I went and finished my song, “Grind Tough (Or Go Home to Mommy).” The inspiration comes from an infamous little fella named Donald McKeckney, aka “Skullman,” from the early ’80s San Jose skate scene. Donald was of an indeterminate age and was your typical malnourished homeless skate punk. He was a character straight out of the movie Suburbia. He kept a rat in his pocket. Even when he skated.

“He was the first real ‘punker’ I ever really saw in action,” Mark Waters remembered. “We’d seen the haircuts and the flannels and the bands, but at the first of the two DeAnza shows—Los Olvidados, Whipping Boy, Social Unrest, etc… In the student union/cafeteria area, he fully rocked the candy machine until the whole thing fell over with a huge crash. He grabbed as much as he could and took off running as the cops rolled into the room. From that image a lot of things from the punk lyrics I’d heard started to come together for me.”

Donald’s only “occupation” appeared to be fabricating homemade “Generic” lappers and copers which he’d hustle at skate shops.

“Generic lapper,” Mark Waters said. “He would always come into California Surfer, where I worked, and sell them to us. He’d make them out of thick PVC himself and seal them with such a rad, little yellow generic label. The whole thing was so DIY way before that was cool, and we all ate it up.”

The other thing he was well known for was his tag, “Skullman,” which was everywhere. He was especially fond of San Jose’s public transit system. At one point a hefty reward was offered for his capture because he had allegedly left his mark on every single County Transit bus. EVERY bus. Quite an accomplishment in our minds.

Donald was a weird dude and he had even weirder style when he skated. For one, he enjoyed making sound effects when skating. I likened it to martial arts, or women’s tennis. He’d make grind noises to accentuate his grinds. He was just a noisy dude. And he loved noise so much, he went and blew up a bomb on Foothill Blvd.. Not a big firework, but a real, honest to goodness, bomb.

“I had always thought that guy a clown,” my friend Thomas remembered, “but after the bomb, I truly feared him.”

Whatever our relationship with Skullman was, it came to an end when we came home and found him skating our ramp. That, alone, wasn’t cool, but he had also spray painted in big black letters across the whole wall, right under the coping, “GRIND TOUGH, OR GO HOME TO MOMMY.” In hindsight, it’s pretty funny, but at the time we were furious and we banished him from skating there ever again. My guess is that Donald was totally serious when he wrote it, and I imagine he probably thought we’d be stoked on it. What’s even funnier is the coping on our ramp was PVC. Real tough.

The rumor is Donald died a couple years ago. The way he lived, I’m surprised he made it out of the ’80s. Still, it makes me a little sad. So this song, “Grind Tough (Or Go Home to Mommy)” is dedicated to the memory of Donald McKeckney.

Yes, I actually made the slappy, but as we all know, there’s nothing funny about me making a slappy. My fat ass going down in flames, on the other hand, is mildly amusing.

Grind Tough (Or Go Home to Mommy)
All music and vocals by Carnie

You skate like a pussy
You can’t even grind
All you do are kickturns
You’re a fuckin wussy

GRIND TOUGH!
Or go home to mommy!

Grinders are for men
Copers are for fags
I love metal on cement
Your mom’s a fuckin hag

GRIND TOUGH!
Or go home to mommy!

You skate like a pussy
You can’t even grind
My trucks are craving some coping
That’s hot and juicy

GRIND TOUGH!
Or go home to mommy!

Don’t want no sleep, Up for a week
Yes, I’m a speed freak, speed freak

—Motörhead, “Speed Freak”

When I think of Lemmy, I think of Motörhead. When I think of Motörhead, I think of speed. And when I think of speed, I have to poop. Because every time I did the stuff, I’d have to take a shit. I’m not sure if this is true, but I’ve heard that the meth makes your guts contract, thus forcing your shit down the pipe. But I’d get it just thinking about it. Very Pavlovian, no? It was actually kind of difficult for me to score because as soon as I made contact with the dealer and knew I was gonna get some, my butthole would start rumbling. Making a quick exit from the dealer’s house was partly because I wanted to slam a line up my nose, but mostly because I had to get to a toilet. (more…)

Saturday, July 26th, at 8:00pm Eastern, is the premiere date of my cousin (country singer Roger Alan Wade) and mine’s new radio show on Sirius Radio’s “Outlaw” country channel. It’s called the “Big Ass Happy Family Jubilee” after a song of the same name he wrote a few weeks back. But you will only find out the name of the show here and if you listen to the broadcast, because Sirius is too scared to put the name of the show in the press release. Ha ha ha… They are scared to promote a show on the OUTLAW channel with the word ASS in it. “Sa-lute!” I told them just to write it in the press release as the “Big A– Happy Family Jubilee,” but cooler heads prevailed. I guess they felt jackASS didn’t set any precedent in saying “ASS” in American mainstream media. Ha ha ha… Anyway, we will be playing our favorite outlaw country songs and any other songs we see fit to play. I ain’t much of a disc jockey, but Roger is fucking great. He’ll be singing and pickin’, too, so come listen to our first show on Saturday, July 26th, at 8pm Eastern. And maybe come back for our second and third… Woohoo!!!

Sincerely, Knoxville

(photo by Naomi Nelson)

part 1

part 2

part 3

“It’s a shame the flame must melt the candle to survive,

And the train must leave the station to survive,

The honeybee leads the thieves back to the hive,

What’s killin’ me is barely keeping me alive.”

Those lyrics are from a song called “10,000 Candles” by my cousin, country singer Roger Alan Wade. He wrote those lyrics and he earned those lyrics the hard way. Thirty years of “what’s killin’ me is barely keeping me alive” really did almost kill him, and 168 days ago Rog’ entered rehab and has been clean ever since.

Being clear and present has done cuz’ nice too. He has got a new album out called Stoned Traveler and it’s consistently in the top ten on the Amazon country charts. He is also touring the US for the first time ever. My girlfriend and I got to catch him in Austin and he received a standing ovation his first night at the Saxon pub. I almost cried. Actually, I think I did. Rog’ has been at it for over three decades and to see everything coming together for him now means more to me and my family than I can express in words. My cousin is drenched in talent and the truth. He once remarked, “All you want out of a drug dealer or an artist is honesty,” and his music is honest. Thank god he is no longer concerned with the veracity of the aforementioned drug dealer. And thank god for the new life and momentum he now has. In honor of my cousin, his music, and the sleep deprived angels that are watching over him, today’s show will be called “No Bourbon, No Scotch, and No Beer.” Roger, I love you and I am more proud of you than you will ever know. Onward and forward and love.

Your Cousin, PJ (can’t sign Knoxville to rog’)

P.S. I want to thank Dale Watson for coming to his show in Austin at the Saxon pub and for inviting Rog’ to sing onstage with him at the Broken Spoke afterwards. What a grand, sweet blessing Dale, thanks so much. Also, I want to thank Connie and Amy Nelson for being so kind period. And I would like to really thank them for being so kind to Roger and helping him get those shows in Austin. Thanks for coming to the shows, too, Connie. Dale, Connie, and Amy, you opened your heart up to Rog’ and helped open Austin’s eyes to his music in the process. As Ernest Tubb would say, “Thanks, thanks a lot.”

So two of our friends, Burdie Cutlass and Handsome Jack Polick (Jack has appeared in the jackass TV show and movies and here on jackassworld), have written a new sports anthem for the Chicago Cubs called “Like in 1908.” They’re both from Chicago and are diehard Cubbie fans. I mean, these guys go to fucking spring training every year. Anyway, we are just glad Burdie got Handsome Jack to put down a beer bottle long enough to hold a microphone. Actually, I think Burdie and Jack just wrote it and a group called the Double Hey sing it. Oh what the fuck do I know…here’s the song. Enjoy. Wahoo!

—Johnny Knoxville

P.S. Oh shit, I almost forgot. Check out Handsome Jack and Burdie’s band Sign of the Fox. Handsome jack drinks like a fish but he can sing like a bird, and he and Burdie write some catchy goddamn lyrics and music. They are part of the family, so please give them some support.

Like in 1908

Sign of the Fox

The Double Hey

(photo by Naomi Nelson; West Hollywood, CA; 2008)