jackassworld

A few years ago I discovered one of the most annoying things on earth: the digital beep. Something in my house was beeping and it drove me crazy for about a week. At random intervals something would go BEEP! It sounded like a watch. But the beeps were spread out so far that it was almost impossible to time them. I narrowed the search down to a room, but because digital sound is non-directional, I couldn’t locate the exact location of where it was coming from. I don’t think I ever found the culprit. It just sort of died away.

A few years later, it happened again at my new house. I thought it was a dead battery in a fire alarm. So I took out all the batteries in every fire alarm in my house. Nope. BEEP! Then I decided it was the home’s alarm system. I’m pretty sure that’s what it was because after I ripped out all the wires in the wall to the damn thing, the beep went away. I pretended I was disabling a nuclear device when I ripped all the wires out. I winced as I cut them.

The same thing then happened to Dave England. I had written about the first instance in Big Brother and Dave remembered the story.

“Did you write about a beep in your house?” he asked. “Because I got one. How’d you find it?” I don’t remember what happened with Dave’s beep, but I know it drove him nuts. (I’ve since learned that Dave England did not have a beep in his house and I just made that up. I’m sorry Dave.)

Since then, I’ve oft wondered how to harness the beep to torture someone else. Turns out a company called The ThinkGeek.com actually makes one called “The Annoy-o-Tron.” I ordered two.

“The Annoy-a-tron,” the site says, “generates a short (but very annoying, hence the name) beep every few minutes. Your unsuspecting target will have a hard time ‘timing’ the location of the sound because the beeps will vary in intervals ranging from 2 to 8 minutes. The 2kHz sound is generically annoying enough, but if you really, really want to aggravate somebody, select the 12 kHz sound. Trust us. The higher frequency and slight ‘electronic noise’ built into that soundbyte will make a full-grown Admin wonder where his packets are.” (What are packets?)

The problem, however, is that the target I chose, Rick, is almost completely oblivious to the world around him. I don’t think the beep can penetrate his skull. Plus, his office is already the loudest and, thus, the most annoying one here. Besides the constant video editing, he’s got his iPod cranking in the corner 24/7. He never turns it off, even when he goes to lunch. The beep has no chance against the cacophony that is Rick’s office.

I’m not disappointed, though, because it’s one of those pranks you’re unlikely to witness the result of anyway. The good news is it may indeed be working because Mike G, who has a direct view into Rick’s office, not only has been hearing the beep, but has seen Rick appearing to react to it. But it’s definitely not having the effect it had on me and Dave England in my imaginary story. Rick is made of steel, or some other really hard substance.

Still, it works. Wanna drive someone nuts? I’d hide it in his or her bedroom. Anywhere that your target hangs out that is semi-quiet. Perhaps your stupid teacher has a quiet classroom? That fuckin’ vegan drives a Prius? The asshole is a yoga instructor?