jackassworld

A few years ago I discovered one of the most annoying things on earth: the digital beep. Something in my house was beeping and it drove me crazy for about a week. At random intervals something would go BEEP! It sounded like a watch. But the beeps were spread out so far that it was almost impossible to time them. I narrowed the search down to a room, but because digital sound is non-directional, I couldn’t locate the exact location of where it was coming from. I don’t think I ever found the culprit. It just sort of died away.

A few years later, it happened again at my new house. I thought it was a dead battery in a fire alarm. So I took out all the batteries in every fire alarm in my house. Nope. BEEP! Then I decided it was the home’s alarm system. I’m pretty sure that’s what it was because after I ripped out all the wires in the wall to the damn thing, the beep went away. I pretended I was disabling a nuclear device when I ripped all the wires out. I winced as I cut them.

The same thing then happened to Dave England. I had written about the first instance in Big Brother and Dave remembered the story.

“Did you write about a beep in your house?” he asked. “Because I got one. How’d you find it?” I don’t remember what happened with Dave’s beep, but I know it drove him nuts. (I’ve since learned that Dave England did not have a beep in his house and I just made that up. I’m sorry Dave.)

Since then, I’ve oft wondered how to harness the beep to torture someone else. Turns out a company called The ThinkGeek.com actually makes one called “The Annoy-o-Tron.” I ordered two.

“The Annoy-a-tron,” the site says, “generates a short (but very annoying, hence the name) beep every few minutes. Your unsuspecting target will have a hard time ‘timing’ the location of the sound because the beeps will vary in intervals ranging from 2 to 8 minutes. The 2kHz sound is generically annoying enough, but if you really, really want to aggravate somebody, select the 12 kHz sound. Trust us. The higher frequency and slight ‘electronic noise’ built into that soundbyte will make a full-grown Admin wonder where his packets are.” (What are packets?)

The problem, however, is that the target I chose, Rick, is almost completely oblivious to the world around him. I don’t think the beep can penetrate his skull. Plus, his office is already the loudest and, thus, the most annoying one here. Besides the constant video editing, he’s got his iPod cranking in the corner 24/7. He never turns it off, even when he goes to lunch. The beep has no chance against the cacophony that is Rick’s office.

I’m not disappointed, though, because it’s one of those pranks you’re unlikely to witness the result of anyway. The good news is it may indeed be working because Mike G, who has a direct view into Rick’s office, not only has been hearing the beep, but has seen Rick appearing to react to it. But it’s definitely not having the effect it had on me and Dave England in my imaginary story. Rick is made of steel, or some other really hard substance.

Still, it works. Wanna drive someone nuts? I’d hide it in his or her bedroom. Anywhere that your target hangs out that is semi-quiet. Perhaps your stupid teacher has a quiet classroom? That fuckin’ vegan drives a Prius? The asshole is a yoga instructor?

Most anyone who frequents the more community-based aspects of jackassworld knows I’m a big fan of the “plate of shrimp” phrase. I never thought this to be that obscure of a reference, but then again I grew up in the days of the USA Network’s “Night Flight” program, whereon the movie Repo Man played every so often. The gist of the line comes from a scene in Repo Man, where Miller, played by Tracey Walter, was expounding upon the enigma of coincidence to the other boys in the repo lot. (more…)

Yesterday on the extremely casual and laid back jackassworld live show, Rick Kosick announced the request for community members to film themselves “Awoooooo-ing” and upload the footage to jackassworld for Seth, the mastermind behind The Wolf Den’s call to arms, to edit into a montage. To participate, you simply need to look into a video camera and “Awooooo!” to your heart’s content; however, you must do so against a backdrop free from any copyrighted imagery, e.g. band or movie posters, artwork, magazine ads, etc., with absolutely NO background music playing. After humiliating yourself, take the file and upload it directly to the jackassworld servers here (acceptable formats include MOV, MPEG, MPG, MP4, WMV, ASF, and AVI, including DIVX; but not DCK, FCK, THE, CNT, HOL). Do not, I repeat, do not stick your video on youtube, as Seth will not be able to access the files for editing purposes. We will debut the final “Awoooo!” compilation during next week’s jackassworld live show, so please try and have your video uploaded by no later than Monday, August 4th. A-fucking-wooooooo!

upload here

Many of you may remember Morrissey’s famous sentiment, “Some girls mothers are bigger than other girls mothers,” and the same can be said for animals. Well, not necessarily the same same, because I’m not talking about their size, nor about their mothers for that matter. In fact, let’s overhaul the lyric to reflect this instead, “Some animals urine is smellier than other animals urine.” (more…)

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For the unaware, uninitiated, and unsure, jackassworld live is every Wednesday at 4:20pm-ish PST. PST stands for “Pacific Standard Time” and applies to a geographical slice of the globe that includes California and other places. If you don’t live in California (or those other places) then you’re going to have to maximize your synapses by figuring out where in time you exist in relation to our global position. For help in doing so, go here: http://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/

I told Mark Lewman about this short story idea I had called “The Horse Namer.” It’s about some kid that comes on the horse naming scene and he’s just way ahead of his time. He names horses things like, “BBBBBBBBBB,” “:{]]—=WE4444,” “*&^*^()_++++,” and “THHHHPPPPPT.”

Race announcers hate him, but fans and trainers adore him.

I never wrote the story. But Lewman liked the idea and it reminded him of “this handsome machine that beckoned for my coin in a fuel depot shitter on my route home tonight.” I think “Midnight Stalker” wins.

Have you ever gone through a nude phase in your life? You know, where you just liked to feel the breeze whiffling (or miffling, depending upon which side of the genital fence you pee) past your junk? I went through a brief stint of the naked sort somewhere around 1995, right around the time I started drinking for sociological purposes. The two go hand-in-hand, I suppose, and it didn’t hurt that I was living close to the beach where the nightly inebriated stumble home was done right next to the surf and sand. (more…)

Humans are, without a doubt, some of the most dangerous and fucked-up animals in the world, but monkeys and apes run a really close second. Most people would never consider the simian crowd to be of such an extremely deadly nature, but that’s only because they are so damn deceptively cute. For example, take the great white shark. Those aren’t cute. Nobody wants to cuddle or get snuggy with one (well, that’s not entirely true…Manny is chomping at the bit to get extremely touchy-feely with one in open waters), but everyone loves a monkey, even those burly gross fuckers with the angry red butt welts that you see lazing about in posh zoo habitats. But, as mankind learned with the tragic true life story of Moe, Buddy, Ollie, and the birthday party gone ferociously awry, these animals will rip your tits off in seconds flat and have two more appendages coming loose before you even realized what was being ripped from where. (more…)

The Right Wing biased media is down playing the recent disaster in Southern California. The 5.4 earthquake caused way more damage than what is currently being reported.

“I was about to microwave some pizza,” Dave Carnie said. “But then the earth started shaking and I was like, fuck that.”

Hundreds have died, thousands are injured and missing. Some are just missing. Others are not missing, but they’re injured. Millions are totally tripping out. Especially people that are from somewhere else. Californians are kind of tripping out, but not like people from the East Coast, like Dimitry, who was tripping balls. He was all, “Whoa, I’ve been in a couple of earthquakes, but that’s the first one I ever felt.” It’s going to take a long time to sift through all the stories and tales of what everyone was doing when this disaster struck.

Relief workers seen sifting through the remains of the jackassworld offices.

International aid is pouring in from all over the world. Here Red Cross workers search for the bodies of jackassworld employees.

We finally got to use the jackassworld earth movers we bought. I admit I was one of the people who said we would never need ‘em… I stand corrected.

You know how some shirts get so worn in they feel like a baby blanket? Well, that’s how this one is. Sooo soft. Even better, it’s got a sweet picture of Willie Nelson on it. I would say it’s pretty much my favorite shirt. I have some shirts I like just as much, but none I like more. I am prolly going to retire it soon, though, cuz it’s getting tiny holes in it. I sure am going to miss this shirt.

Sincerely, Knoxville

(photo by Dimitry Elyashkevich)